Just Enough Crunch

I often find myself longing for those beautiful candid pictures I see on my scroll. Lovingly looking at my children captured in a magical light, where I obviously look beyond stunning, in my perfectly paired outfit. When packing I found myself, gravitating towards 6 inch heels, work clothes, and makeup. Why? Because my niece the snap chat wiz would be with me, and she could take all the stunning candids of me on vaca. I explained to Ryan when packing, these clothes that haven't been worn in years, and heels that still had the price tags on them, it's for the gram. Maybe some pictures with my ketones showing you how amazingly glamorous my life became as soon as I took the first sip. So when I saw him taking my picture on the beach, I was giddy. Almost teary eyed. Here it was. the perfect picture that shows what my life is like behind the scenes. Its gonna be awesome. I was so excited to look at my phone to see candids and the pictures a woman on the beach took of u

I have a secret. It's something only my closest friends know. Its thing I said I would NEVER EVER DO. A few months ago we needed to get a bigger vehicle for all Vivi's equipment, Kensie's accessories, and so we could all fit in the car at the same time. Car shopping sucked (except the financing that was super easy, thanks Kristen ) i wanted all the features of the minivan, but yet didn't want a minivan. why? Because I am not a van person. But what does that even mean? I am person. who happens to be a mom. who needs more space for my growing family. that van does not define me as a person, just as much as the shoes i wear or the clothes i wear. so before you swear off the van, ask yourself am i looking for something exactly like a minivan but not a minivan? because if you are, you need a minivan..... i mean if you get a van, you can be in my super awesome van mom club :) the article that changed my mind ---- just buy the minivan

Today I got a glimpse at what life used to feel like. By 7am I felt my blood boiling. A toddler that speaks fluent whine and 4.5 yo who has the sas of me as a teenager, I became quickly overwhelmed. As I felt the anger built up I refocused my mind, i redirected the whiner and helped the 4.5 yo solve her problem of her clothing being all disgusting.... and surprisingly we were at breakfast 30 minutes early. I felt so amazing. Like I beat the system, I had that moment of mom joy. Got groceriesand home by noon, all to have everything crumble. As I walked in the door I felt my face swelling and quickly realized I was in a full blown allergic reaction to God knows what. Popped some benadryl all to realize a) its day time and b) my children hate naps. So there I was helpless and so tired my eyes burned. I could do nothing but sit on the couch and succumb to the benadryl drowsiness. When I opened my eyes I realized my house had been trashed and my basement was full of 2 inches o

Today it hit me. I had to call into my girls doctors appointment. I have been at every single appointment. I fought their fights when they had no voice. I have taken notes, asked the questions, I have been there. And today I wasnt. As soon as I hung up the phone I burst into tears. Being a mom is effing hard. If you are a stay at home mom you are shamed for not working. I'f you are a working mom you are shamed for not being home. There is not happy medium. Motherhood is hard no matter what your situation. No matter how active a mother you are, you will miss something. It's the weight we let that guilt have, that will impact us going forward. Tonight as I reflect, I know that missing one appointment doesnt define me as a mom or a person. It's how i raise them that matters. It's how they act when i am not around. So tonight as you lay your head down, remind yourself, we all do the best we can with what we have, and that is enough. And so are

Lately I have so much guilt on my heart. I never thought I would choose being a working mom over a stay at home mama. When I left corporate America 3 years ago, i said never again. I couldn't imagine ever not being here for my babies. Fate found me in a grocery store one day in June. I walked in to get food for a friend in need, and out with a job interview. I remember getting in the car and being so unbelievably excited, yet so very guilty. I didnt even think about care for my kids I just was excited to do something that I was passionate about. But I wanted to keep a secret. I was scared of judgement from being so vocal about leaving a full time job for a stay at home gig. Would people think I failed ? Would they question my income? Would they gossip? It became a spiral leading to no where good. Last week I found myself questioning am I still a mom if one child is at camp gigi while the other is at daycare? And the worst part, I freaking love my job. So leav

Motherhood is hard. In the age of social media it can be so intensely isolating. I meet moms every week that want to know why we dont talk about the hard stuff more. Why dont we comfort each other by sharing our mom insecurities. Why do we all pretend it's easy? After the 3rd hour of trying to get the kids to sleep, I ended up driving them around for 90 minutes. I would say about 79 of those minutes at least one of them if not both were crying. It was brutal... and I will be real I sobbed the whole time too. Gone are the days of just worrying about ourselves, and the tired we felt at 22 is the rested we wish for now. But it's in these moments we grow. we become more well seasoned moms. One day we will beg our kids to spend more time with us. And ache for the snuggles they use for leverage right now to avoid going to bed. This does not mean it's easy or that one day you will say it was all worth it. All it means is that motherhood is hard. That mother you

Hey it's me. A girl that cares way to much about what people think. I am an overthinker. And overcarer. And an eternal optimist. If I was standing naked in a courtyard and someone else said they were cold, I would find a shirt for them before myself. I am extra like that. I aim to make others happy, yet struggle to find my voice to do the same for myself. thus why i am doing all the therapy right now. like for rea,l Mondays I spend almost three hours in therapy between my own, kensie's, and parent therapy. It's intense. My therapist says I am that person who has all the plates spinning on sticks and i am just trying to keep them all spinning. One is bound to break... It's just figuring out which one you want to protect vs. the ones you want to let go.... a few plates have been broken recently and its been a tough adjustment. Recently, I made a huge decision leaving behind a business people knew me for. A business that paid our bills. A business that gave me a platform

I have grown up at a pool. I have never been uncomfortable in a bathingsuit. Like ever. I am more comfortable in a bathingsuit then normal clothes. Then this year happened. For the first time in my life I didnt want to wear a bathingsuit. I couldn't even find one that fit me right. I went swimming once in a suit this year. Once. At the place I worked in a bathingsuit for 5 years I found myself hiding in the water. Constantly pulling it down. Making sure I was covered. Snd t hat was it. I would send Ryan with the girls and I would make excuses why I couldn't go. It went on for a few weeks. Then Ryan called me out. In that moment I knew I was in a dark place. My hatred for my body was so extreme that I was not doing my most favorite things in life. I have recently made some life changes that are about me getting back to me. All the therapy, a new eating lifestyle, ketones, and all the self love via personal development. So today when I tried on another one p

This is me in the raw. An accidental picture taking while attempting to take a pic of something else. You aren't taught how to be self confident it's just something you have to figure out on your own. Being an overweight child I never had any self confidence. I battled bullying, feeling like I didn't fit in, and depression. Transitioning to a teenager was worse. I starved myself, cut myself, battled with a drinking problem and a constant voice in my head telling me why bot her going on. Being in a string of bad relationships taught me that I didn't matter. I was broken, depressed and slowly killing myself with toxins. I tired different things to fix it, moved to NYC and then Europe, bought a fancy car I couldn't afford, made some irresponsible decisions, and drank far too much. Things got better when I met my husband. I learned what a healthy relationship was. The hard part was we were two depressed people that found happiness together. We found

Anxiety is something Is surrounding me lately. I hear people talking about. I see posts of people overcoming it. I watch the bashing going on about to medicate or treat homeopathically. I feel the shame of being one of those people. You know the people that get questioned, have you tried eating this, drinking this, smelling that. And yes I have tried it all. You know what keeps me sane? Zoloft. A small green pill. That is what brings my body back to homeostasis.   Why does this small pill come with such shame? If I had a heart condition I wouldn’t be shamed for taking medicine for that. But when a woman, yes I am narrowing this down to women now, show that they need some help, it is met with such shame. Sadly this means a lot of women suffer in silence. Today the tv was on in background I heard them talking about Ryan Reynolds and how he is sharing his journey with anxiety. The commenters were questioning if he really knows what anxiety is? He is so s

Tuesday night was our first 911 call in this house. One of the main reasons we rented this house was to be closer to the hospitals, closer to family that could care for us in our time of need, closer for life basically.   I remember sitting in the hospital in august meeting some of the emergency personal that responded to my grandfather’s side, and telling them about our sweet Varrick. I told them all, it will be crazy and then she will be happy. Please just be there to support us in our crazy. Please calm Kensie.   Please just be there. But then we never had to call.  We were able to support her at home. Drive ourselves into the hospital when we knew she needed more than what we could give her. He has asked me numerous times do you think she is growing out of it? Its been a while since blank has happened… I comfort him by saying yes, knowing in my head it just a matter of time…. Tuesday it was fine until it wasn’t. She hadn’t napped that day due to early i