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Shattered

Hey it's me. A girl that cares way to much about what people think. I am an overthinker. And overcarer. And an eternal optimist. If I was standing naked in a courtyard and someone else said they were cold, I would find a shirt for them before myself. I am extra like that. I aim to make others happy, yet struggle to find my voice to do the same for myself.

thus why i am doing all the therapy right now. like for rea,l Mondays I spend almost three hours in therapy between my own, kensie's, and parent therapy. It's intense. My therapist says I am that person who has all the plates spinning on sticks and i am just trying to keep them all spinning. One is bound to break... It's just figuring out which one you want to protect vs. the ones you want to let go.... a few plates have been broken recently and its been a tough adjustment.

Recently, I made a huge decision leaving behind a business people knew me for. A business that paid our bills. A business that gave me a platform to help others and show them there is more to life than perfection. It was the first plate I let go.

I think it was the hardest to watch shatter on the floor, because everyone saw it. Everyone watched as this amazing dream I had and shared with you all for three years, broke into a million pieces on the floor. but the truth.... that plate broke a while ago,Ii had just been super gluing it back together for about a year. hoping no one would see the cracks. Begging God to just help me make them invisible.



I have had a lot of backlash. People who I thought were my friends have blocked me, talk behind my back about how I'm a quitter, say I just couldn't hack it because I am an excuse maker. and then there are the haters, the ones that have been waiting for you to fail... and their cheering is at times, deafening. ....


maybe I am a quitter. but shouldn't we all quit things that don't make us happy? and the excuses, i was crippled in fear to leave something that i was so public for. but don't i also preach that you should do what makes you happy, and forget those that don't understand.

It's this constant back and forth of practicing what you preach. But, I was scared myself. leaving what you know, what you have felt safe in for something unknown is f^cking scary. the doubts seep in at any moment i find resistant or get a rude comment... but one thing i ask myself in those moments is, are you happy.

are you sing in your kitchen at the top of your lungs, dance like you are a 4 year old again, and look in the mirror and smile back at yourself happy.

and the answer....

absof^ckinlutely.

for the first time in a long time the fog of my postpartum is clearing, i am able to walk over those pieces of shattered plates on the floor, and hold up the ones that matter. the ones that fill my heart and allow me to be proud of the risks that life brings you.

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