I am a happy person that is depressed.

These words that I will share with you are from the depths of my soul, so I ask you to be kind. I ask for you simply move on if you cannot be supportive. Because these words I am sharing with you, are not for me, they are for a friend that is struggling with the stigma that comes with this topic.

My name is Kendra and I take anti depressants. Funny story, they don’t make you not depressed, they don’t take away the pain. They provide me clarity. Some balance in the tornado of my life. They allow me to look at our life objectively.

the day I went to the doctors I didn’t go for that reason. I convinced myself I was fine. That I was managing just fine. I went to ask for help because my wellness journey was stalled. I have been unable to lose a pound since having Varrick. If I did see a dip in the scale, it would shoot up 8-10 pounds the next few days. I was working out every day, eating according to my meal plan. I was following the directions but the recipe was still turning out bad. I explained this all to my doctor.

Then she said I think stress might be a part of this are you stressed are you anxious? Can you eliminate some stress in your life?

I can’t I said. It’s the stress you have to deal with not get rid of.

In that moment I felt the tears build up from my core. Tears that had been buried for months. Deep deep down.

I remember saying I am living in my worst nightmare and I can’t wake up. I feel paralyzed.

We found out that my body was in something called fight or flight. My cortisol was through the roof, my serotonin, gone. Anything I was putting in my body was being stored, whether an apple or a big mac. It was being handled the same way. She suggested Zoloft.

For months doctors, social workers, by standers and even family had told me I was crazy and needed to be medicated. That nothing was wrong with my daughter. That it was all in my head. I had been told to go to a in patient treatment center, I needed help. I was so scared my children would get taken away from me. That my husband would leave me. More than that I was scared of the side effects. I had taken paxil as a teenager and had a TERRIBLE reaction, psychosis,  suicide attempts, self harm by cutting, it was bad. Real bad. The pain I inflected on others during that time is still with me. Those side effects are enough to tell you to never take another pill.

you know what was worse that all that?

The stigma of being labeled as a depressed person that failed at fixing it herself. To being one of those moms who has the bad kind of postpartum depression.  

Something made me say ok though. She assured me that it would all be ok. That she would be my advocate if my parenting was being questioned. I promised her I would give it a fair shot. 21 days to be exact. To play with the dose, the timing, and to work out the kinks of the side effects.

Its been almost 6 months, and I am starting to feel whole again. I can see the good, I can sleep, I don’t eat my feelings every day. I feel pretty balanced. I do have side effects and I have adjusted my dose and timing to minimize them though.

But I know what you are looking for is, am I still depressed, the answer Is yes. I will always be. It comes in waves, and this is part of the tools I need to use to get through everyday. And just because I am depressed doesn’t mean I am not happy. They are not polars. You can be both.

I am a happy person that is depressed.

I take a pill twice a day to help me manage my life.

I also, am I a mom to two amazing girls, I am a wife, a mother, a granddaughter, a great granddaughter, a friend, a writer, a coach, a woman of god, a leader, a shoulder for others, a cook, a girl that loves a bargin, an optimist, a realist, I love a good workout, good food, believe in miracles, loves the ocean, likes makeup but prefers my leggings, a messy person that likes things clean, loves the housewives, loves a clean bed with all the pillows, a good rainy day locked inside with Netflix,  flip flop wearer…. Do I need to go on?

A pill does not define me, it complements. It is part of me and so I am made up of so much more than 25mg of a SSRI.

If you are questioning if you depressed, have consuming anxiety, or ppd or ppa, I beg of you to reach out. Whether to a friend, a spouse, your doctor or midwife, or even me. You deserve to see the good in the day and not feel overwhelmed by these feeling. You deserve to live.