swallowing a pill of shame to save a life.

Anxiety is something Is surrounding me lately. I hear people talking about. I see posts of people overcoming it. I watch the bashing going on about to medicate or treat homeopathically. I feel the shame of being one of those people. You know the people that get questioned, have you tried eating this, drinking this, smelling that.

And yes I have tried it all.

You know what keeps me sane?

Zoloft.

A small green pill. That is what brings my body back to homeostasis. 

Why does this small pill come with such shame? If I had a heart condition I wouldn’t be shamed for taking medicine for that. But when a woman, yes I am narrowing this down to women now, show that they need some help, it is met with such shame. Sadly this means a lot of women suffer in silence.

Today the tv was on in background I heard them talking about Ryan Reynolds and how he is sharing his journey with anxiety. The commenters were questioning if he really knows what anxiety is? He is so sexy and is always smiling, he isn’t anxious. Wait what?!?!? So you mean to tell me if I put on my best body con dress, and plastered a smile on my face, I wouldn’t worry about anything anymore? That’s just rude to suggest. 

We all worry. We all have some form of anxiety. What makes it different for some is when it intrudes on your daily life. When you stay up all hours of the night making a plan for different types of home invasions and how you would get your babies out. When your dreams are filled with nightmares of calling 911 and no picks up, so the next day you constantly wonder if you should try to call just to make sure someone is there to answer your call. When it keeps you from leaving the house because you are terrified that the what ifs are going to turn into nows. 

Mine usually is anxious fear. If you follow my journey most of you are thinking, well hell I would be anxious too.  But

I scroll through social media and I see numerous versions of shame being thrown around like confetti….

I choose to eat healthy and work out, I don’t need a pill.

I just mediate and I overcame my anxiety, I don’t need a pill.

Herbs and oils cured me, I don’t need a pill

I just decided I wasn’t going to be anxious anymore, and I don’t need a pill.

I would like to believe that none of these things are meant to be shameful to those that can’t “choose” to get rid of their anxiety, but sometimes I wonder. Is all the bragging meant to be a hard pill for others to swallow?

 For me it takes me back to those the days of breastfeeding trauma where I was told so many times by other women, just choose to breastfeed, drink more water and you will make more milk…. Well Deborah some of us just can’t fucking breast feed. Call it what you want a broken body, we aren’t woman enough I don’t care… anyways this could lead me into a whole other blog and a new career J

The bottom line is anxiety isn’t a choice. Mental illness isn’t a choice.

Not all of us our blessed enough to make a small change in our lives and “cure” our anxiety. This doesn’t mean we don’t want it bad enough. It doesn’t mean we are broken.  And it doesn’t mean that those who can make these small changes are evil either. It means that this  anxiety is part of you. Its ok that you can do all the things that others tell you do and drink the koolaide and still not be ok. Its ok to need more. Its ok to not have some major life event or trauma to happen to you, and still not feel ok about your life. Its ok to be still in this season.

Friend, it is ok.

Think of it this way. That pill could be the path to your freedom. The way out of our quiet chaos of thoughts. That pill could save you from hurting yourself, and others.

We are worth more than the shame we feel from scrolling through others lives on social media.

And you can still do all the other things. Heck I drown myself in stress away everyday, while playing affirmations on my phone, while moving my body, and eating a banana ( not organic though…. Lets not push it ), and those things help me yes. But I still need my green pill of sanity.

Its what keeps me going right now. And maybe it just for right now, or maybe its forever, but right now its working, and that’s enough to push the shame away, and be hopeful for another day.