Letting go…….
In the last two years I have cancelled over 7 trips for work. I have broken plans with friends last minute. Forgotten to check my messages or respond back to texts for weeks at a time. I have neglected my marriage. I rarely am by myself and when I am so anxious it can bring on an anxiety attack in minutes.
Its become really bad.
Mostly I have forgotten who I am outside of motherhood of my two girls.
I cram my days full of therapies, school meetings, phone calls with insurance companies, errands for the household, I have a job pouring into other mothers and running an online business. the latter usually get my the bottom of my cup though.
they have been put on the backburner while I have tended to our hard seasons. I am sure some are thinking but Varrick seems so good lately. and you are right she is doing so well. better than I could have dreamed of all the nights we spent in hospital.
See they have flip flopped. as Varricks hard season winded down because we have such great managed care right now, Kensington’s season hit us like a freight train. Its a lot and we are still processing it so sharing right now, is not something I can manage right now.
This trip is something i booked 4 months ago. the date has loomed over my head every single day. Excited for these adventures is no longer my go to emotion. Its anxiety and fear. its having to let go of the controllable and lean into the flow. Its waiting for the other shoe to drop in a form of some type of an emergency.
In our team meeting last week I mentioned that I had a trip coming up ( full disclosure i hadn’t even purchased my flight yet ) . I fully expected them all to be like, its really not a good time. this could really set her back. Can you push it back?
Every single person at the table said you need to go. you need to step away and breathe. the need to see that you are more than just their mom.
Do you know how hard it is for me to step away? Release control of everything and free myself for 5 days? At this moment it still feels impossible. I have already checked in like 20 times. I can’t let go, because I don’t know how. I watch others able to do it and I wonder did that gene miss me? Does my anxiety hold me back from certain freedoms others get to experience?
As I said a few weeks ago after our couples arial session, I need to learn to let go. and the best way to learn is through action.
so here is my first attempt of letting go and finding that wild girl thats under the heavy weight of special needs, motherhood, and anxiety.
I know she is in there. Everytime I see something glittery or look in the mirror and see that vibrant hair I remember her. I feel her desperation to experience life again.
A special thank you to the team of people loving on my babies while I step away. But mostly my husband who has been living on the small moments of relief from this season. I am forever grateful to find a partner that sees me under all of this <3 <3
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