Just Enough Crunch

Letting go……. In the last two years I have cancelled over 7 trips for work. I have broken plans with friends last minute. Forgotten to check my messages or respond back to texts for weeks at a time. I have neglected my marriage. I rarely am by myself and when I am so anxious it can bring on an anxiety attack in minutes. Its become really bad. Mostly I have forgotten who I am outside of motherhood of my two girls. I cram my days full of therapies, school meetings, phone calls with insurance companies, errands for the household, I have a job pouring into other mothers and running an online business. the latter usually get my the bottom of my cup though. they have been put on the backburner while I have tended to our hard seasons. I am sure some are thinking but Varrick seems so good lately. and you are right she is doing so well. better than I could have dreamed of all the nights we spent in hospital. See they have flip flopped. as Varricks hard season winded down beca

I often find myself longing for those beautiful candid pictures I see on my scroll. Lovingly looking at my children captured in a magical light, where I obviously look beyond stunning, in my perfectly paired outfit. When packing I found myself, gravitating towards 6 inch heels, work clothes, and makeup. Why? Because my niece the snap chat wiz would be with me, and she could take all the stunning candids of me on vaca. I explained to Ryan when packing, these clothes that haven't been worn in years, and heels that still had the price tags on them, it's for the gram. Maybe some pictures with my ketones showing you how amazingly glamorous my life became as soon as I took the first sip. So when I saw him taking my picture on the beach, I was giddy. Almost teary eyed. Here it was. the perfect picture that shows what my life is like behind the scenes. Its gonna be awesome. I was so excited to look at my phone to see candids and the pictures a woman on the beach took of u

I have a secret. It's something only my closest friends know. Its thing I said I would NEVER EVER DO. A few months ago we needed to get a bigger vehicle for all Vivi's equipment, Kensie's accessories, and so we could all fit in the car at the same time. Car shopping sucked (except the financing that was super easy, thanks Kristen ) i wanted all the features of the minivan, but yet didn't want a minivan. why? Because I am not a van person. But what does that even mean? I am person. who happens to be a mom. who needs more space for my growing family. that van does not define me as a person, just as much as the shoes i wear or the clothes i wear. so before you swear off the van, ask yourself am i looking for something exactly like a minivan but not a minivan? because if you are, you need a minivan..... i mean if you get a van, you can be in my super awesome van mom club :) the article that changed my mind ---- just buy the minivan

Today I got a glimpse at what life used to feel like. By 7am I felt my blood boiling. A toddler that speaks fluent whine and 4.5 yo who has the sas of me as a teenager, I became quickly overwhelmed. As I felt the anger built up I refocused my mind, i redirected the whiner and helped the 4.5 yo solve her problem of her clothing being all disgusting.... and surprisingly we were at breakfast 30 minutes early. I felt so amazing. Like I beat the system, I had that moment of mom joy. Got groceriesand home by noon, all to have everything crumble. As I walked in the door I felt my face swelling and quickly realized I was in a full blown allergic reaction to God knows what. Popped some benadryl all to realize a) its day time and b) my children hate naps. So there I was helpless and so tired my eyes burned. I could do nothing but sit on the couch and succumb to the benadryl drowsiness. When I opened my eyes I realized my house had been trashed and my basement was full of 2 inches o

Today it hit me. I had to call into my girls doctors appointment. I have been at every single appointment. I fought their fights when they had no voice. I have taken notes, asked the questions, I have been there. And today I wasnt. As soon as I hung up the phone I burst into tears. Being a mom is effing hard. If you are a stay at home mom you are shamed for not working. I'f you are a working mom you are shamed for not being home. There is not happy medium. Motherhood is hard no matter what your situation. No matter how active a mother you are, you will miss something. It's the weight we let that guilt have, that will impact us going forward. Tonight as I reflect, I know that missing one appointment doesnt define me as a mom or a person. It's how i raise them that matters. It's how they act when i am not around. So tonight as you lay your head down, remind yourself, we all do the best we can with what we have, and that is enough. And so are

Lately I have so much guilt on my heart. I never thought I would choose being a working mom over a stay at home mama. When I left corporate America 3 years ago, i said never again. I couldn't imagine ever not being here for my babies. Fate found me in a grocery store one day in June. I walked in to get food for a friend in need, and out with a job interview. I remember getting in the car and being so unbelievably excited, yet so very guilty. I didnt even think about care for my kids I just was excited to do something that I was passionate about. But I wanted to keep a secret. I was scared of judgement from being so vocal about leaving a full time job for a stay at home gig. Would people think I failed ? Would they question my income? Would they gossip? It became a spiral leading to no where good. Last week I found myself questioning am I still a mom if one child is at camp gigi while the other is at daycare? And the worst part, I freaking love my job. So leav