beauty in the raw

This is me in the raw. An accidental picture taking while attempting to take a pic of something else.

You aren't taught how to be self confident it's just something you have to figure out on your own. Being an overweight child I never had any self confidence. I battled bullying, feeling like I didn't fit in, and depression.

Transitioning to a teenager was worse. I starved myself, cut myself, battled with a drinking problem and a constant voice in my head telling me why bother going on. Being in a string of bad relationships taught me that I didn't matter. I was broken, depressed and slowly killing myself with toxins. I tired different things to fix it, moved to NYC and then Europe, bought a fancy car I couldn't afford, made some irresponsible decisions, and drank far too much.

Things got better when I met my husband. I learned what a healthy relationship was. The hard part was we were two depressed people that found happiness together. We found comfort in food, each gained 50 pounds and then came a baby for a couple that was told they couldn't conceive. Finding out you are pregnant when you hate your body and want to drown your sorrows in all the bad things didn't seem like what I had dreamed about all my life.

Then there comes the moment when you find out you are having a little girl. You hold her for the first time and you know you have to break the cycle. She needs to grow up watching her mom who loves herself and is proud of her accomplishments. We had a lot of struggles post-pardum depression, anxiety, an eating disorder that was begging to come out and a marriage that was holding on by a thread.

And then one day i made the decision to tell myself I mattered.... I decided I need to make a change to live better. To be better to break a cycle of hate.

Living in a diet culture weight loss is often confused with self love. My changes in my life currently are for my mind. Living a ketoish lifestyle and drinking ketones, was done to help my every changing complex hormonal shifts, my anxiety, and depression. It had nothing to do with the pounds.

I am trying to Find who I am again so I can love that person for who she is in that very moment. Not 5 pounds from now.

Friends it is so hard to look at the unflattering and still find beauty. But I promise you as uncomfortable as you feel, you will gain strength from it.